Illusion
by TheodoraM
Summary: It sounds like goodbye to me. It hurts so bad. - Hermione contemplates the events after the war while waiting for Severus to come back from a mission. One-shot.


_**This style is for song lyrics and **this style for memories._

The song is "Illusion" -VNV Nation

* * *

Another hour has passed and he hasn't returned. The cold is biting my skin and the darkness surrounds me, engulfing me in its depths. I don't even feel the wall against my back, or the frozen land under my shoes.

It's two o'clock in the morning and he hasn't showed up.

McGonagall reckons he was caught.

I don't believe it.

I fumble in my pockets for my old MP3, a device that I started bringing at Hogwarts since Professor Snape developed a spell that could enable me to use it properly on the school's territory.

I couldn't believe the kindness he showed me after he found out I obliviated my parents.

Maybe it's because I kinda saved his life after Nagini bit him. Maybe it's because he knows how hard it is to lose someone you love.

I turn on the little machine and the music flows smoothly, soothing me a little.

_**"I know it's hard to tell how mixed up you feel**_

_**Hoping what you need is behind every door.."**_

I smile a little. This song was always one of my favorites. It determined me to move on with my life after the War. It helped me sort out my emotions. It reminded me so much of him.

_**"..Each time you get hurt, I don't want you to change**_

_**Because everyone has hopes, you're human after all**_

_**The feeling sometimes, wishing you were someone else**_

_**Feeling as though you never belong…"**_

I remember that time after getting out of the Hospital Wing, after hearing about the casualties, after reading the list. I remember running away from Hogwarts to St. Mungos' to see how he was. I remember the pain of seeing someone so strong broken, on a hospital bed, looking more dead than alive.

I hoped he would've been better, that he would've looked more like Professor Severus Snape, the tormentor of students, the tough spy that helped us win the War by sacrificing his life, than Severus Snape, a tortured soul hanging of the ledge of death, the only thing keeping him alive being the capacity of the Healers to help him.

But he's human. Like we all are. Like we will always be.

I remember packing and running away from the Wizarding World, from my friends. From my family.

I remember being a ghost of the person I used to be, but that changed.

The first time he found me was in a café that I frequented. He was waiting at the table that I loved sitting at, looking as foreboding as ever, as if nothing could've touched him. And when my eyes met his, I knew he watched over me all this time, like a guarding angel.

It sounds cliché-ish, I know, but this was what I felt in that moment. And when the question slipped through his lips, I knew that I couldn't possibly refuse him an answer.

"_Hello, sir." I sat across him and smiled a little in greeting._

"_Why do you live like this?" he asked me, his usually silky voice a little raspy. Nagini's venom must've done that. I vaguely wondered how could've he known that I lived in a shabby flat, eating and drinking strictly to sustain my life. But then I remembered he had his means. And I probably looked like hell._

"_I don't know. I basically never existed for my parents, and I don't belong in the Wizarding World. I am not a witch."_

_Frowning, he reached across the table and took my hands in his._

"_Do you feel this?" he asked._

_I simply cannot describe what I felt. It was…magic._

"_I…" _

"_Yes, Miss Granger, that is magic. Yours. Responding to mine. You are a witch, and you belong with us."_

_He released my hands and stood up, preparing to take his leave._

_Not knowing what to say to him, I raised from my chair and called after him. "Professor Snape!"_

_He turned to face me, and in that moment I launched myself forward, hugging him as tightly as I could, burying my face in his chest._

"_Thank you." I whispered, tears burning my eyes._

_I felt his arms coming to rest on my shoulders. "Always."_

**".._Please don't go, I want you to stay_**

**_I'm begging you please, please don't leave here_**

**_I don't want you to hate;_**

**_For all the hurt that you feel,_**

**_The world is just illusion, trying to change you..."_**

He told me about the things that happened at Hogwarts, how everyone was returning for their Seventh Year, and that he would help me pack my things if I wanted.

He didn't comment about the untidy, confined space I was living in. He just helped me. Packing, I came across my MP3 and I frowned, thinking I couldn't listen to music anymore, and when I told him that, he just smiled, took it from me and said that he'll figure something out.

The beginning of the school year was tough, everyone judged me for leaving, saying that I didn't care about them enough to stay. I ignored them, but it was getting harder each day.

My friends abandoned me.

They were happy without me.

I hated that.

The only consolation I had was a mystery package on my bed on the day of my birthday. It held my MP3. I had a fleeting moment of happiness when I discovered it worked, and I spent my night listening to music.

When I thanked him for the gift he merely inclined his head and invited me for a cup of tea in his office.

One thing led to another and we became…friends. I guess.

I spent my free hours drinking tea and talking about the latest discoveries about Potions with him. It was wonderful. His office was my little sanctuary away from the madness of school. We talked about almost everything we knew about Potion Theories.

I liked Severus Snape. He didn't pretend to be someone else after people found out about his sacrifice. They expected him to "drop the façade", but they didn't understand that was the way he was.

The second time he found me was when I was sitting on the ledge of the Astronomy Tower.

I don't know what I wanted to do. I felt like all the life was already slowly seeping away from me. It was a surprise I managed to continue this far.

No one understood me. They thought things were fine after the War ended. They weren't. I tried to talk to them, but they shut me down. I tried to be happy, but I couldn't hold the smile on my face for long. I wanted to talk to Professor Snape, but he was busy because the Headmistress sent him to find something. He was gone for nearly 3 days.

"..._**A part of your soul ties you to the next world**_

_**Or maybe to the last, but I'm still not sure**_

_**But what I do know, is to us the world is different**_

_**As we are to the world but I guess you would know that.."**_

"_Miss Granger." _

_I didn't answer, but I inched forward a little._

"_Miss Granger!"_

_I took half a step forward. Only half an inch was separating me from my freedom._

"_Hermione!" he sounded desperate now._

_I half-turned to him. "What do you want, Professor Snape?"_

"_Why are you doing this? Step down immediately!"_

_I turned to fully face him. "I don't feel like I am here anymore. I am just a body, and I have no soul. And my demise won't bother anyone, sir."_

"_What on earth are you talking about?" he sounded confused._

"_I feel like my soul has no ties. Nothing to keep it anchored. I feel like I'm trying to catch air with my bare hands when I try to find myself," I took a deep breath. "I think it's time I let myself be free. The world doesn't understand me anymore. They hate me. And I hate them."_

"_Merlin's beard, woman! Do you hear yourself?" he took two steps forward toward me. " I understand you, and I know that we are different, that we see things other people don't see, for they concentrate on only what they want to see. We see everything. The whole picture. Your friends do not hate you, they just have mixed-up feelings about what happened. You don't hate them. You just hate the fact that no one is the same. And how can anyone not miss you? With who am I going to talk if you aren't here?"_

"_You will find someone else, like everyone did." I said, my voice trembling, my hands shaking and tears spilling on my cheeks. "I thank you for everything." I whispered, taking the last step backwards._

_In an instant my vision was overwhelmed with a blur of black and the sky's dark blue, but in that moment I felt the regret of jumping. After a few moments I opened my eyes and the pale face of Professor Snape hovered above mine. _

"_Why am I alive?" I murmured._

"_You never got to jump," he whispered, tucking a stray lock behind my ear. "But you do have quite a flair for the dramatics, Hermione." he smiled._

_I laughed, almost hysterically, winded my arms around his neck burying my face in the side of it. Tears mingled with laughter, and the only thing I felt was happiness, bubbling in my chest like champagne._

_After a moment I let him go and I smiled. It was like a new beginning. _

"_Living is not that bad, Hermione. Not if you have something to live for." he said, gently taking my face in his palms, and lowering his mouth to mine._

_I can't describe how it felt. It was Heavenly. It was like I found myself, and I found someone else like myself. _

_We broke apart, and he pressed his forehead to mine._

"_Severus," I whispered, "who would've saved me if you wouldn't have been here?"_

"_I do not know, Hermione. But I do know that I will never leave you, and I will be here for you."_

"_Will you?"_

"_Always."_

I do believe that things get better, before they get worse, and that's what happened.

Severus and I got closer, and I guess we became a couple. We were happy together.

But then McGonagall sent Severus on a mission to find the Death Eaters that survived the battle and to arrest them.

She said she sent some Aurors with him, but apparently their bodies were sent via Floo Network at the Ministry.

Severus still hasn't returned.

That's why I am here.

In the cold.

At 3 AM in the morning.

And I don't feel my body.

But somehow, I get up.

And start to walk around.

I don't know why I am doing it.

And I fall on the ground.

Apparently I got cut in the ice, somehow.

A shard of something hard protrudes from my arm, and when I pull it out I see the wine red liquid pouring on the virgin snow.

Is this the end?

I didn't even get to say goodbye to my lover.

Severus.

"Who would save me if you aren't here?" I whisper to myself.

But this is life, I guess.

I lay back on the snow, trying to calm down, but it's useless.

And somehow the wound still bleeds.

A loud sound echoes in the darkness, and I struggle to get up.

In the distance I see a silhouette, but it can be only my imagination.

I manage to take a few steps toward it, and I see it moving in my direction.

I can almost distinguish a face. Pale, with smudges of blood.

Severus.

A cry echoes around us, a cry of joy and pain, and I don't even realize that it is mine.

We reach each other and collapse to the ground.

"Severus…Severus, you're back.." I whisper, touching his face with my uninjured arm and kissing his lips with the strength I have left.

"Her..mi..one…You're…here…" he murmurs against my lips.

"Severus, we need.. to get you…to the Hospital Wing.."

"N-no.."

He looks like he's dying, and it breaks my heart, I try to keep the tears at bay, but they escape, and they are pouring on Severus' face.

"Please…Severus.." I beg him, trying to see where he was hurt.

"Hermione…do-don't cry…." he brings a hand up to stroke my cheek, and I can see the light in his eyes fading. "Y-you…are..h-hurt." he struggles to say, watching my injured arm quietly.

"Yes..but this isn't important..Severus…don't leave me…Please," I whisper to his ear, "I…I think I love you." I kiss his cheek.

"I th-think..I lo-love..you too…darl-darling"

It sounds like goodbye to me.

It hurts so bad.

I never felt a pain worse than this. It's like someone is squeezing my heart from my chest, and my throat closes with the ache that spreads everywhere.

We lie on our sides in the snow, our ruby life seeping away.

But we know we loved each other. And that we were always ourselves. We never changed.

Always.

".. _**Please don't go, I want you to stay**_

_**I'm begging you please, please don't leave here**_

_**This world is just illusion, always trying to change you."**_

* * *

It's a normal day for everyone at Hogwarts.

But not for two people.

That lie on two hospital beds.

Holding hands.

"You know, you could've stayed inside that night."

"I know."

"You could've died."

"You too."

"I was right saying you had a flair for dramatics."

"You were."

"What is with the two-word answers?"

"I don't know. I'm tired."

"Hermione Granger? Tired? Call the Prophet!"

"Ha ha, very funny, Severus. You should've been a comedian"

"Indeed."

"You know I love you, right?"

"Yes, you mentioned that almost ten times now, Hermione."

"I love you, Severus Snape."

"I love you too, Hermione Granger."

"Always?"

_"Always."_

**_THE END_**


End file.
